Journey Through Painful Emotions:Children of Divorced and Separated Couples(Pt 2)

For weeks now, I have been reflecting on issues facing separated couples and divorced couples.If you are new to my series of reflections, and interested, you have an opportunity to read my previous series of posts via my blog. Last week, I began introducing some of the issues faced by children of separated and divorced couples

One of the main difficulties that children of divorced or separated parents face is guilt! A low self esteem, can develop from the thought patterns which 'guilt' induces! This is 'complicated' by a number of issues such as a) The 'Surge' of negative emotions that is triggered by the experience of guilt! 'Anger', 'self... loathing' , 'selfcondemnation', 'emotional pain', 'unfulfilled longings', maybe an endless list!

b) Children are still children and often lack the kind of life
experience that equips them to process such 'compelling' thought patterns! Yes indeed 'compelling' at one stage, 'compulsion' at a different stage, if there isn't any support! Without the relevant guidance,that enhances the child's ability/ skill to proces...s such
thoughts...she/he is likely to look elsewhere 'externally' for such guidance!

Processing what went wrong with mum and dad, is just like digesting food. Without some assistance to address their unanswered queries, children rehearse such thoughts again and again in their mind. They have to eventually store such 'unprocessed' information in their memory, as one would try to retain food which isn't ...properly 'digested' in the digestive system.

Some have used such obvious difficulties as a pretense, for hanging on to a 'fractured' relationship at all costs! They have argued, for the children sake, that it is better to stay under the same roof...with mounting tension, angry exchanges(which by the way are closely observed by the children).

In so doing they intend to make an effort to prevent the children from
suffering some of the above mentioned difficulties associated with
broken down homes! Well, if you have been following my series of reflections, then you probably know some of the perspectives I identify with! In other words, what my position is. I ...want to discuss it using my own experience.

In my experience: a) the attitude of mum and dad towards each other could sustain or undermine the efforts at enabling the children PROCESS their experience of what is happening to the family. If mum and dad can exchange views or information as two mutually respectful adults, the children are not going to be distract f...rom focusing on processing their experience effectively.

Next to a) the attitude of mum and dad towards each other, b)their response to third parties is equally important. Children look out and listen to observations being made by either spouse about the other(in his or her absence) for reassurance; as an indicator state of the union between mum and dad.

For example, I am very particular about how I portray my spouse to my family, even though they mainly aware of our separation. In addition, I do my best to be considerate and respectful of her, whenever I refer to her(especially in a public setting). TO A DEGREE THAT, FOLKS HAVE COMMENTED...IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE STILL... IN LOVE WITH HER. WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK AND GET RECONCILED!

To that comment 'about reconciliation' , my response is usually to invite them to continue praying! However, my main emphasis is to maintain the process of 'healing and reconciliation' whatever the outcome! Now, I finished my evening meal prior to this. Guess who prepared the meal? My spouse of course! Are we under the same roof yet?

No! Do I eat a lot of her cooking, Oh yes! I would be really silly not to! Brilliant cook she is! Well, that isn't the only area I have maintained her suport! She still helps me chose this for my personal hygiene, after shave, showel gel, body spray and the list goes on!

NOW I WANT TO MAKE A VERY IMPORTANT POINT! IT ISN'T COMPROMISE! SHE
DOESN'T HAVE TO DO THIS! SHE OFFERS AND I ACCEPT. YES, I REQUEST AND SHE
KNOWS SHE CAN DECLINE. NO COMPULSION! MUTUAL RESPECT!

The point I am trying to make! IT IS ABSOLUTELY UNECESSARY FOR COUPLES WHO ARE SEPARATED OR DIVORCED TO BEGIN A COLD WAR! TO INITIATE A SITUATION OF TENSION AND HOSTILITY! THAT IS UNHEALTHY, AND IF THIS IS THE CONDITION IN THE HOME, YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO A FEW SURPRISES UNLESS IT CAN BE ACKNOWLEDGED!

I believe I have made my points about a) Attitude to each other should be one of mutual respect, b) where third parties are involved, represent our spouses in a respectful manner to them. IT IS IMPORTANT FOR AN ELEMENT OF STABILITY TO BE MAINTAINED, SO THAT OUR CHILDREN CAN PROCESS FOR THEMSELVES(AND WITH OUR GUIDANCE) WHAT WENT WRONG.

It is their personal journey of discovery, and whereas we can walk with them and guide through it, this remains their unique journey!

Now the temptation to control the process by propaganda is very difficult to resist! Because, if we are to allow them to arrive at their own conclusions, they mature, experience personal growth! The traumatic experience that could have been a reason for lifelong stunted growth, finds an outlet through expression. They... make one of the most significant discoveries early in life!